So I was coming home from the store after buying some paint, with which I would use to paint my liberals hate America signs, and I saw something that was absolutely unacceptable. I opened my eyes wide and stared, anger and hatred burning inside me like a hot oven. I clenched my fists and I bit my lip.

I saw two men walking down the street... and they were holding hands. Two men. Can you believe that? And in public, too? They were smiling all happy and whatnot and they were just so... gay. They were abominations, sinners, and they were evil people. There was an aura of evil floating around them that I could just feel in the core of my God fearing bones.

Now, being the conservative orthodox Catholic right winger that I am, I felt it was my duty to address this abomination. I ran up to the two men and stood in their path, widening my stance and bracing myself in the chance that I was about to enter a battle, of which I was sure I would win in an epic feat of godly domination and strength for I have the Lord on my side. I whipped out my handy dandy pocket bible, flipped open to Leviticus, and started to read to them. I read with confidence with a smile on my face knowing that I was doing God's work by pointing these sinners towards the straight and narrow path of the Lord.

They, of course, paid no mind to me because they're dirty sinners who don't care in the slightest about the loving Father's will. They walked past me without flinching like I was nothing, like I wasn't a soldier of God, like I wasn't on a holy mission to save sinners from eternal damnation. Didn't they understand that I was trying to help them? If you set aside all of my disdain for these evil people, I am really trying to save them from the suffering they will experience in hell if they don't stop this promiscuous sin-filled lifestyle.

I knew what I had to do. I had to resort to something I hoped I wouldn't have to resort to. I ran in front of them again and held a firm stance, clutching my handy dandy pocket bible in my fist and narrowing my eyes for the attack. I leaped towards them and and struck the gayest looking one, the one on the left, with the handy dandy pocket bible as hard as I could. Then, I doubled back and swung at the other one.

But he was quicker than the first and I no longer had the element of surprise. He dodged and stepped back, widening his stance to match mine. We stared each other down, our eyes filled with malice. We were still for what seemed like an eternity, but suddenly, he made the first move.

He circled around me, moving quicker than any adversary I'd ever faced. He was graceful like a ballerina and I couldn't get a lock on him. Every time I tried to swing at him, he would dodge and move to a different location.

And then he made the first strike. His gay fist struck my face and I doubled back, wiping the blood from my lip. I was angry now. I was determined and I was going to be the victor of this fight, no matter what I had to resort to. The fag had it in for him now. He had the rage of the Good Lord against him.

I called upon the power of the Lord, reciting an ancient chant over and over until finally, a circle of light appeared around me and the air swirled in a whirlwind. The skies opened up and an angel flew down from the heavens to be my aid.

The angel opened his eyes and cried a piercing cry, shattering the windows of the nearby houses.

I thought for sure I was going to be the victor then, but suddenly, I realized that the first gay on the ground that I hit down had drawn a pentagram in his own blood on the sidewalk. He stood up, blood dripping from his lips and his hands, a sadistic smile crossing his gay face.

The sky turned red and the ground began the rumble. The pentagram on the sidewalk began to glow bright red and a ring of fire encircled the three of us.

The flames rose higher and higher and suddenly, out of the fiery inferno burst a dark force, a force that made my holy skin feel like it was burning, kind of like Harry Potter's scar when he's near Voldemort. The dark force unmasked it's face and I knew at that moment that I was face to face with Satan himself.

Satan laughed at me as he began to close in the ring of fire around me. The flames were coming closer and closer and I cried out for the angel to save me, but the angel was being suffocated by Satan's mighty fist.

As the flames reached my skin, I was screaming out in pain, cursing Satan and cursing the evil gays that hath brought this fate upon me. The three of them laughed and laughed as I burned alive in pure agony. But eventually everything went black.

I opened my eyes and saw a bright light, a light that felt warm and loving. I started to walk towards it, knowing that I'd soon by with the Good Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

But then suddenly, a dark, burning fist grabbed my body and pulled me down. I was being pulled down so fast that I couldn't breath. I was pulled from the heavens, down to earth, and then I was dragged down through the earth's surface until I was thrown down into the bowels of hell.

I picked myself up, kneeling on my hands and knees, lacking the energy to do anything else. When I opened my eyes, before me I saw Satan and the two gays smiling at his side.

Satan spoke is a low, dark voice. "Welcome to hell, soldier of God."

I cried out, "Why is this happening? I am a good soldier!"

The gays laughed and Satan said, "But you see, silly soldier, my army of gays has been watching you for quite some time. We have been finding that you are interfering with our plans and our mission and we can't have that, now can we?"

I stared wide eyed at the three.

"So," Satan continued "we have brought you down here where you can't interfere. It is here you will stay until our plans our complete. Down here, you can no longer preach your God's will and rob my army of soldiers by showing them the path of God. Down here, you will no longer be a nuisance. Me and my gay army shall bring the Earth into a new era, a gay era."

"Yes," The ballerina gay spoke "Everything will be fashionable. We will have mandatory drape inspections, to make sure they match the furniture and the rugs."

"And every night will be mandatory gay bdsm orgies, with booze and birth control." The pentagram gay added. "And while everyone is distracted while being forced to have gay bdsm and fix their drapes, we'll intercept all the world's governments and assassinate all of the world leaders."

"And after that happens," The ballerina gay continued, "We will raise all the demons from hell and set them lose on the earth, causing catastrophe and chaos everywhere. We will watch this world rot. We will watch everything fall apart and burn everything to ground, as we clutch humanity by the balls and tear it apart. And no one will be able to stop us. No one at all."

"No! This can't be!" I shouted. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because," The pentagon gay answered, "We have what's called gay rage. You see, when you decide to become gay, you agree to allow a demon to live inside of you. This demon is very, very angry. But it's a sacrifice we have to make to be able to harness the powers of Satan and his demonic forces."

"You can't do this!" I cried.

"Oh yes we can" Satan laughed. "And there's no one left to stop us."

They all burst out in laughter as I screamed with rage. There had to be something I could do, some way to stop this catastrophe. I looked all around me, examining my setting.

And then I saw it. There was a piece of wood lying on the ground and I crawled over to it while the three were distracted. I took out my pocket knife and began to carve for my life, because my life was at stake.

After five minutes or so of furious carving, I had completed my task. I stood up and raised the wood over my head. I had shaped the wood into the image of a cross.

Satan and the gays stopped laughing and stared at me with wide eyes.

"No! Get it away!" The pentagon gay screamed.

"Don't let it touch us!" Cried the ballerina gay.

The three of them backed away and I said, regaining the confidence in my voice, "Bring me to the surface, to the world of the mortals, or I will end you by the power of the Lord."

And as they cowered in fear of my cross, their decision was made. Satan flew me back up to the surface of the earth where I knew what I had to do.

I had to spread the truth about the gays to anyone I could.

However, the gays were one step ahead of me. No one would believe as they'd been brainwashed by the liberal media. I tried to tell them that the gays were evil, but nobody would pay me any mind.

The gays have done it, the gays have succeeded. There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry.

Please, please, here me out. Please be aware. Know the truth. Know what those gay really are. Know it, and know it always. Fight for the cause. Don't give those gays their rights because of you do, it will be the end of us all.